Monday, April 27, 2009

The Numbers Game

I hate numbers.

No matter if they are found in a mathematical equation, on an object called money, a device called a clock or a thing we call a scale- I HATE them all.Numbers are limiting, defining and in ways that are really inaccurate . For example, you are not hearing middle C ( do, a deer to you non musicians) you are feeling the impact of 256 Hz vibration in your auditory canal. Even if Julie Andrews herself delivered that information in that way you would not be interested. But hear "Do, a deer, a female deer" and you start humming along. Admit- you are doing it now. Ah, resonance !

I spent two days feeling okay with the fact that my body is just operating differently for good reasons at this time. Feeling comfortable in my own unique, worthy skin that serves as the envelope this time around for the thing I call my soul. Liking who I am, what i do and repecting my strengths and weaknesses. And then , like a dam bursting, I read the results of this weeks Biggest Loser challenge. Not only am I one of a very few who gained, but I have GAINED MORE THAN 11 POUNDS SINCE THE CHALLENGE BEGAN , but I am the only one who has done so. Stimulating. Perhaps others have gained and decided to drop the challenge because of it, and I am the only one crazy enough to remember I made this as a commitment and I will stick to it no matter what. Quitting was and is never an option, but evidentally failure is something I can do. Repeatedly.

It does make me laugh that something I thought would be a boost and a benefit to this journey for me is turning into something that is making bulemia, gastric bypass surgery or throwing myself off a cliff look attractive. No- I will not do either of these , but I can fully understand why some choose these options. Do you have any idea how it feels to be a prisoner in your own body ? What it feels like to do everything that you are supposed to for almost a year and not see results ? To fear that no matter what I do, eat, move, think or try I am trapped in this physical form till I die ? There is nothing on earth that can take away that feeling. There is no higher power interveining here either. All there seems to be is eternal hope that keeps being hurled and smashed to the rocks called numbers week after week. Skipping weigh in is not a solution, for ignorance of that number is not going to change the realities of other numbers that accompany it. Those numbers are unveiled in things like blood work. To do nothing is also not an option, because a change does indeed need to happen.

I just don't know.

1 comment:

the Phoenix said...

The best thing I can say right now is that I shudder to think of where we'd all be now if we weren't watching our weight and diet.

Don't give up hope - we will continue the battle.