Yesterday was the last hurrah of Christmas for us; getting together with my in- laws. My hubby is the oldest of 6 , and many of the sibs have now young adult children, second marriages, work schedules and a whole lot of juggling to do in order to get together. Things have been complicated recently by my MIL moving to a nursing home due to Parkinson's Disease and Alzheimers. For her comfort, the gathering was held at the nursing home- a first in what I am assuming will be a long line of similar gatherings.
One thing that I have not shared on this blog is that I am an Empathic, and places like nursing homes, hospitals, battle scenes, crime scenes and places of high emotion are VERY problematic for me. Same is true with intense religious services ( some of those have been so intense I have had to leave the building). It is something I have dealt with all my life, and I usually avoid such places at all costs or adopt different coping skills when I must enter them. It is never very comfortable for me. However, entering into them brings about a complete bonus for weight loss. For me, I have learned that eating or drinking anything while in those places or situations only makes things a lot worse. I cannot explain the how and why, but then again I don't think it is nessisary for this blog. Leave it to say for some things it can be a bonus.
I knew it was going to be a squiggy time for me, but I also knew that I really wanted to see my inlaws. I have been very concerned about my father in law since mom went in the home, and some things cannot be understood with words. You just have to be there. So I bucked it up, did what I had to , and went. Lots of very good food was present , but I could not eat any of it due to my "gift". I worried that I might have to make up some excuse why i would not eat, but no one seemed to care. ( Not all food situations will require one to eat or hurt someone's feelings).
It was as bad as I suspected it would be, but with a whole other dimension added. When I walked into the room where our gathering was held I was hit by a "wall" of something that was as warm as the sun, as thick as concrete, but something allowed me and my little family to enter within. Once within, you were confronted by a bright glowing energy that both radiated and protected. I saw at once the source- my father in law. There, visible to me in that room was the depth and breath of his love for not only my mother in law, but all that had been formed from their life together. Their children, grandchildren, in-laws, experiences, joys, sorrows and more. It is something I had felt when I was younger with my own father, but I had never "seen" it manifest in this way before in my life. And in seeing it, I instantly recognized that it has an echo in everything created in love- even if just for a moment.Love made manifest on a vibrational level, and I suspect this is what is behind "The Light" that souls cross into after death.
Needless to say when you see that, there is no way your stomach can process food or even understand what food is anymore. The gathering was nice and I kept watching this force manifested until it got to the point where I felt that if I stared at it for one more second I would be absorbed and never be able to return. Then an announcement was made by my father in law as to the course of future financial matters, and it became a very mundane room at last. A good time was had by all, but my stomach was still too unsettled to eat. My MIL loved her lap quilt, a wedding date for this summer was announced by one of the nephews and then i was time to go.
When we got home I could not talk about this. Some things just seem to take a lot longer to put into words than others. It is the next morning and I am still blown away by what I saw.
I think my session of rowing will help to put things in mental order.