Friday, October 9, 2009

My little demon

Yesterday brought me face to face with a situation where I met my old inner demon face to face in regards to weight loss. And to be honest, there is no resolve to the issue yet.

Unlike a lot of overweight people I do not binge eat out of boredom, stress, self loathing, ,loneliness or other such normal things. In my case, when I was very little I got a strong message that food is strength. Food could help turn people into Superman, and when I come to places in my life that require great strength, the compulsion to eat to gain adequate strength enters. It did when I went through the high risk pregnancy with my son after a stillbirth and came back with a vengeance when autism entered our life. Intelectually I know that my belief is not true, but the emotional reaction does not die that easy. Yesterday I learned that my brother and his girlfriend welcomed their son into the world- a little boy. All is not good as the birth was rough, there was birth trauma and my new nephew is still in the hospital due to a tear in his lung and a tear on the brain. I have no idea how he is doing at the moment. I have tried calling my sister twice, who serves as Grand Central for all information, and she has not gotten back to me. Understandable, as things can get very crazy when family things happen.

At first I was shocked to learn, then frightened because several the details of his birth mirrored my own birth experience with my son, and led to a whole flood of reliving my stillbirth and other births. It brought me to a place where, as the oldest sister, I felt this primal need for strength.I fought the overwhelming urge to binge, choosing to do reiki work on all concerned instead. I succeeded in avoiding overeating, but I'm left with this feeling of akwardness, like I don't really know how to live in my own skin at the moment.Compond that with anxiety over waiting to learn further details. It's not a good feeling.

Yesterday's meals
Breakfast- homemade polenta with a slice of swiss cheese, half cup of egg beaters scrambled , a tomato, Yoplus digestive yogert and coffee for 440 calories

Lunch was turkey breast on Arnolds, a cup of tomato beef broth, celery, carrots, apple and 100 calorie pack of cheetos for 445 calories
Snack was a welcome crunch after learning about my nephew for 280 calories. Combined with a big glass of water all that fiber swelled , so I was sure I was not dealing with physical hunger

Dinner was late due to grocery shopping, which did not help me battling with the compulsion, but I made it through and was happy to just eat what was planned and nothing else. Homemade very simple marinara sauce with ground turkey over Heartland pasta with a tossed salad for 470 calories.

Evening snack was an apple, a pudding and a Fiber Plus bar for 320 calories. Days total was 1955. One thing that helped to convince me not to binge was a commitment to logging everything and keeping count of the calories. I HATE math so much that the thought of having to calculate any figures into the days total weighed more into the mental state than any possible satisfaction or strength I could have gotten from food.

My plan for today is to find my own center and hopefully find out more information about my new nephew Elliot.


Diane, Fit to the Finish said...

I hope that little Eliot recovers from his birth experience with no ill effects. How scary for all of you.

I'm proud of you for avoiding the bingeing urge. I'm sure it wasn't easy.

Take care.

Joanna@BooneDocksWilcox said...

you're doing good girl, just hang in there. Since you didn't give in to it, you should feel empowered today.