Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Monday brings memories

Mondays are such busy days here ! Between slightly heavier school load and the weekly housecleaning, time can be the most precious commodity of all ! When extra things get tossed in, it gets a little crazy ! There is one very bright spot in Mondays this year though. I have included a mandatory reading time on Mondays and Fridays for my son, with the instructions that it has to be a chapter type book. He really dislikes this kind of reading, but he desperately needs it to help with his own communication abilities . In order to write and peak intelligently, you need to see and hear examples of how it is done ,IMHO. A miracle has happened this year- Nick actually LIKES reading these kinds of books. I caught him while he was doing his reading :

( note- he is wearing shorts but you cannot see them past his shoulders !)

Enjoyment brings cooperation, and this makes a more productive , peaceful school day ! It also makes our lunch breaks a lot nicer- when no one feels like they have been through the wringer, it's easier to feel restored after a meal. If that meal sort of looks fun, it's even better

We made something I call Monkey Tails ( peanut butter and banana rolled up in a high fiber flat bread ) and had it with a salad we made from the leftover bits of Saturday's Sushi making. Celery, carrots, avocado, moc crab, little bit of rice and nori tossed with rice wine vinegar and a couple drops of sesame oil. These were joined by five baby plum tomatoes- a new variety to me. It seems almost illegal NOT to eat tomatoes at least once a day at this time of year- they are so darned plentiful !

We had a late visit from the Cable company for some necessary work , and dinner was late. I decided to try a different brand of salmon burgers- these from Sam's Club

These are 10 calories more that the Aldi's brand and slightly higher in sodium. The cost is also about 15 cents per serving higher, but we wanted to try all of the possible options. I served these with sweet potato fries an the Healthy Life buns

The verdict ? We actually like the Aldi's brand more. However , if Aldis stops carrying these, it is nice to know that we can get them at Sams.

For some reason I was totally wiped out after dinner. Okay, there was a reason. 20 years ago on this day my first son was born dead. Yes it is a distant event and so much more of life has happened since then, but you never forget a child. Mothers bond with their babies the minute they suspect their presence, and nothing removes that bond. No matter if they are in existence for minutes or years, the emotional connection remains. Before birth , only the mother perceives something about the soul that is attached to the physical creation that is her child. When a child is lost before birth , one of the most profound emotions that comes with the experience is feeling that you are the only one who actually knew the life lost. When there is no grave , you feel pressured to keep their memory alive , or they simply cease to exist.And at the same time nothing can remove the memory of their existence from your mind.Children change the depth, breath and quality of your soul- part of you is never really born until you conceive a child. Sometimes this feeling becomes a burden that you do not dare put down and other times it can feel like it will smother you. Anniversaries , no matter how distant, bring a new or renewed sense of experiencing this sacred burden, and a flood of questions. If they had survived they would have been __ yrs old and most likely doing ___. When you encounter others who would have been the same age, you automatically compare. Because it was the 20th birthday ( anything ending with a zero seems so much more important) , I was feeling all of these things more deeply. Not guilt or even loss , but just a physical reaction to some deep seated memories. I was achy. I was tired. I really just wanted to find a cave to spend 24 hours in. A good night's sleep was in order and much appreciated. It's a brand new day, and I am blessed with the responsibility of raising Adam's younger brother and continuing to share a happy life with his father. Life does indeed go on.


Diane, Fit to the Finish said...

I am crying right now Diane. This is so sad. We lost four babies, one that I delivered at four months. I know it's been a long time for you, but the bond never dies. Take care of yourself.

The Incredible Shrinking Family said...

Hugs and more hugs Diane ! They leave a hole in your soul. In my case I was infertile for 8 years and had to lose 100 pounds to get pregnant, and then lost my son. ( It really made me question how worth wild weight loss was for me for a time, but I finally reconciled with the idea that it was worth so much more than just being fertile. After Nick we have lost 4 others, all before 8 weeks and it is because of my PCOS. I finally said that pregnancy was just something that I did not do well and resigned myself to the fact that my babies are not lots- they are simply in an extended daycare program , and when I see them again we are going to have a lot of catching up to do. I like to think that all other lost pre-born children are in that same daycare program, and boy are we all going to have a lot of projects and songs to catch up on when we meet with them again.I joke with myself that this is where all of those mismatched socks from the dryer go...the craft bin for that daycare center! Nothing ever really dies- it is just taken from our view for a time.