Still finding joy...but then.....

There are jokes out there that talk about a person moving constantly so the past does not catch up with them. They usually involve some kind of guilt from the indulgence of a guilty pleasure, and are funny to think about. Then there are those ones that are poking fun at a deep down fear. Yesterday it seems I had a brush with a great big one of mine, and I realized I have been running from it for a very long time.

It started when I sat down to take a break from lesson planning to catch up with friends on Facebook. One of mine is a doula/midwife in training who blogs about birth options. She occasionally throws out questions for friends to respond to with their experiences, and such was the case of the day. Her question was "In honor of Halloween, what was your scariest moment involving birth?". I did not even ponder, but responded with "At the end of my first pregnancy my water broke, I went to the ER as it was before my due date, and was subjected to about a thousand tests. I was sent to labor and delivery, and in walked a total stranger who said "Good evening Mrs Balsamo. I am Dr ____. Your baby is dead and has been so for about a week. We are going to give you a pitocin drip, Prostaglandin 2 suppositories to bring on labor, something for the pain, and penicillin to bring down your fever which is now 106. You should deliver about 9 am and I advise that you hold the baby. I am going to go get some dinner and I will be back later to check on you." And he left, and I laid there terrified that I might die ". And with a few simple key strokes, a whole world of little horrors came out to play, once again. Not necessarily in the way you might think though.

As bad as that experience might seem , it was about mid stream of a river of self doubt, that I still do not know if it is the worst of it or not. It began when I was a young girl, and as much as I tried to rise above it , events keep rising to drag my attitude down. In adulthood it reared its head with the decision to have children right away and not conceiving for 8 years. Infertility can totally destroy your sense of self esteem. Every month you are given a biological reminder that something is wrong with you, and slowly that evolves into the belief that something has made you unworthy of the most basic biological adult function. You keep hearing reminders that babies are a blessing, and you still wait patiently to be blessed. In my case , I waited 8 years for that blessing ...but then...somehow I broke the baby. He died inside of me, and it affirmed my womb was a tomb. Talk about a kick in the gut ! That was bad enough, but then...7 months later later I developed the worst upset stomach of my life and extreme tenderness on my right side. For 2 weeks it was belived I had either the flu or a kidney infection, but then a catscan revealed two massive cysts on my right ovary. They were not sure if it was cancer or just cysts, so surgery was scheduled. Turned out not to be cancer, but then...it was revealed that the cysts were due to tiny pieces of my son's placenta that had somehow remained in my uterus , broke free, worked themselves into my fallopian tube and ovary and my body dealt with them through forming cysts. I told myself it was a freak accident , rejoiced that I could still conceive and moved full steam ahead on baby quest. Six weeks later , I conceived my son. But then...8 weeks into the pregnancy I began to bleed, and this began a nightmare pregnancy experience that involved total bedrest, specialists, too many doctor visits and 7 months of terror. It ended with a C Section because of my son being transverse, over 10 pounds ( he was 11 lb 14 oz and 23 1/2 inches at birth), with the inability to do an epidural because I could not arch my spine with my huge belly. ( They tried 17 attempts and then opted to knock me out fully). I woke up to learn I was at long last a mother. But then......at 7 months of age came the signs that not all was right with my little boy, and fights with our pediatrician to get to the bottom of it. That led to the eventual discovery of autism, and at that point I was too tired to fight and too shell shocked from everything to find my center.I let life bury me for a time.

I wish I could say that was the end of it, but it wasn't . Personal matters have entered into the picture that continued to make me say "but then". I thought about these yesterday after answering my friend's question, and I realized that through it all I never ate in order to isolate myself from the pain, but instead to gain strength for the fight , in agreement with a bad head tape that got installed when I was very young. I also realize that my most personal life seems to be about a continuation of but then that I neither need or want. She started dieting, lost some weight but then....

Day three of joy in the journey- looking at worry

Tuesday proved to be an interesting day on the weight loss front. I was reminded early on that the Reiki principles are something that I must remember to take to heart with my own journey. These are something that all Reiki practitioners are taught in the beginning of their studies, and it is felt that if you live these principles, your life will be balanced, blessed and a blessing to others

Just for today
Do not anger
do not worry
be grateful
work honestly
be kind to every living being

Simple words , but powerful affects, and sometimes the hardest things to do. Exercising the second principle can prove to be a mountain of goo that you keep sliding on. To not worry almost seems to say do not be an adult in the world. To not anger is an easy one for me, but to not worry seems like the impossible dream ! Yet, experience has taught me that most things I worry about are needless. Inspite of my own good efforts, things work out as perfectly as they are designed to. I may be influential in life , but there are many things that are out of my control, so worrying about them is wasted effort.

It was a good thing to remind myself of these things as we went on a nice morning walk. It was one of those mornings that was just cool enough to be brisk but not so cold as to hurt. The air smells like forest right now due to all the dropping and decaying leaves. and I was reminded of some lessons I once learned from a stream in regards to worry. A stream faces several obstacles in its course, but rather than force it's agenda and break those obsticles down, it shifts its course and creates an interesting landscape with its twists , bends and eddys. In time the obstacle is overcome by erosion, and then the stream has character and extra volume capacity. A life lived in balance will behave the same way I belive.

Once back inside we began our school day with the first opportunity of joy- the construction of a haunted gingerbread house


We have built houses in the past for Christmas, but this year we found a kit for a Halloween one. It was a little tricky to get it assembled as the icing seemed to be a little more flowing in consistancy. Perseverance paid off, and we both kept laughing at the way the icing was running and creating a somewhat melting affect in places. Looks like something a ghost would live in ! However a very good time was had, educational principles were applied and a memory was made. Considering I really don't like sweets ( I prefer protein things) and son has been told that such creations are poisonous, it was a safe thing to do .

After school I began menu planning and making the decisions for what we will serve on Halloween. Once again I was reminded not to worry, for it is not the actions that we take on hoildays that determine our life state. It is everything that we do in that great canvas of ordinary time that makes us who we are ! Holidays are to be enjoyed, but only on that day. Once celebratory meal is not going to pack on the pounds, but two weeks of cooking prep with nibbling and a weeks worth of leftovers with further nibbling will. For that reason I have decided I will buy the elements of the ancestral feast on that morning, eat it at dinner and dispose of the rest te next morning. Reason it will not be before bed is that a plate is left out in their honor.

Planning ahead allows me another opportunity to embrace the second principle in my life

Day two on the road to joy

It seems for me it takes a lot more conscious reminders to relax than it does for any of the other healthy lifestyle disciplines ! It seems if I do not stop, breath deeply and remind myself to be calm, I drop naturally into a state of high alert, and I can feel every muscle in my body tensing up in preparation to spring into action. Interestingly enough, two days into this decision to include joy in the journey, the pains i was feeling in my hips and knees have almost totally dissapeared on their own. As a result I was able to walk longer yesterday than I have been.

Yesterday also included a craft project that I was able to take a picture of to share- the painting of our sugar skulls. These are never eaten by us- thank goodness- because they are almost pure sugar. To make them you take a can of white frosting, a bag of confectioners sugar and mix to a play dough consistancy. Then you take a small ball, form an oval and then mold the eye sockets, nasal cavity and so forth. Let dry for a couple of days and then paint. Here are a few of the ones we did

As I said, these are never eaten by us. How do I get away with having such a sugary thing in the house without my son sneaking one ? I have been a bad mom and lied to him. I told him that candy that sets out without a wrapper absorbs the bacteria in the air and becomes poison. It is with that logic that we are also able to make cookie houses , which is the art project planed for today in school.

Not only did I get in our morning Wii fit work out , but I got in more walking, another session with my guitar, did homeschool, did housework and a short afternoon meditation session. I plan on making today yet another one that includes joy in the journey.It does a body good.

Day one on the road to joy

Yesterday began the week of doing nothing different or weight loss but incorporating more joy into our lives. Hubby unexpectedly had to sing at all three services at church A, so it left a lot of time for me to follow my own bliss. Son and I watched some TV ( Food network , and a discussion happened about Sondra Lee) , and then I was able to sit down and devote a full HOUR to playing my guitar . I think only the musicians reading my blog will understand how relaxing and soul satisfying playing your instrument for the sake of playing it is. Afterwords I was relaxed and renewed. When hubby got back home we grabbed lunch and then headed out to the woods for a walk. The colors were at peak, and I was sorry i did not grab my camera ! The last hold outs on the color change parade have joined in the show at last, and one stiff breeze is going to clear the slate for the winter . Seems a lot of others had the same goal this day, and we had to keep getting off the road to allow cars to pass and not get run over ! Meanwhile my son discovered the fun of kicking up the leaves and making piles of them with his feet. Watching him reminded me of some of the antics of my childhood in the fall. I grew up in an inner suburb of Chicago and there were many elms and other trees. We would rake the leaves into piles and then jump into them several times before raking them to the curb where the street sweeper came along to haul them away. I loved doing that, and I remember spending hours doing so and coming home with crushed leaves matted in my hair. Autumn leaves have always had a pleasantly acrid smell to me. The scent reminds me of life and death combined for some reason.

In the evening we played Tribond while listening to a station that plays 70's music. I think the best thing about playing Tribond as a family is that if shows me just how much my son is absorbing and retaining in our homeschool adventures. A person may be able to answer a question about the material on a test within days of being presented it, but proof that it has absorbed comes when they are called upon to recall details months after the presentation in some kind of real life situation. Board games can help stress caused by wondering if they are retaining anything go way, way down !

After that we wound up watching youtube videos about Dios De Los Muertos- The Day of the Dead. We are a mixed faith household, and my faith has a similar tradition that falls on November 1. Because of this, we have discussed this holiday several times in our homeschool and I incorporate some of the crafts and so forth in my celebration with the family. Hubby appreciates these, but has never been edcucated on the meaning behind them- especially the happy skeletons positioned in assorted life situations ( as mechanics, as a bride and groom and so forth). As we watched the videos I got to explain to him that the skeletons are positioned in these roles because it affirms that death is simply a part of life, nothing to fear and that the dead are still amongst us. The colors are used to show that there is life in death. The altars to the dead are about affirming the life of your ancestors, saying that you miss them and you welcome them back for the day to celebrate one more time. It is not something he could have understood or appreciated when he was younger, but as an adult in ministry who does numerous funerals and has spent a lot of time with me and my relationship to death ( or should I say veiwpoint), he truly understands. And he also completely understands how the modern american expression of Halloween is insulting to not only the memory of the deceased, but to life itself. Always a good and relaxing thing when those you love not only accept your spiritual veiwpoints, but understand .

Today after our morning workout , first order of school is to paint this years sugar skulls. Always a fun time in this house, and fun brings joy which defeats stress.

Something's missing

When it comes to much of life, two things are clear to me. First, quitting is NOT an option ( unless it is absolutely clear that attainment is impossible) , and if at first you don't succeed, try , try again. In order to get, do , conquer anything you need the right tools, and the desire to get the job done. The desire is definitely there, the tools are there as to the physical aspects ( limit calories to a certain level according to your BMR rate AND get 30 minutes exercise at least 3 times per week ( we get this 5 x) So what is missing ? And for the record, last week not only did I gained , but the whole house gained ( son gained 3.4 lbs and hubby gained 2.8 pounds). What is it that we were doing wrong ?

I was really upset about this overall gain, and put that anger into a serious house cleaning session. The house really needed it , and we had planned to tackle it as a family on this day. Life has been pretty chaotic the last couple of weeks for many different reasons, and the simple daily chores like sweeping had gotten pushed aside. While some people are stress eaters, I am a person who gets very stressed in a jumbled environment. Hubby and son are the same way. Things like dust or things that are misplaced make us all absolutely crazy ! So as I cleaned ( which works like therapy for me ) I contemplated , analyzed and and came to a conclusion. Perhaps the thing that was sabotaging us was stress ? No one has been sleeping well here all week, and life has become a long to do list with little opportunities for joy of late. Joy is the ultimate foe of the negative forces of stress. If you love what you are doing and your body becomes stressed, the hormonal activites of adrenaline and cortizol begin to work in a positive way . If there is no joy, these two hormones wreak havoc. We needed to find more joy. More Bliss ! It is accomplished through an attitude, which is brought on through doing activities that remind you that life as you see it is worth living. Chemically this can be acchived through exercise ( the feel good endorphins get pumped into our system) , but for some people you need more. For some it means the need for hobbies, the arts , connections with friends or other such things. We have the desire, we have the physical tools, not it's time to work on the emotionally based ones.

So the goal this week is to increase our levels of joy on this journey.Cleaning the house helped to be a big destresser for us all. The guys will have to find their own paths to joy because only they know what that will truely be. For me it will be a daily dose of laughter , playing my guitar for 30 minutes 2 times a week ( or there about) , and doing something artistically creative. With Halloween coming up, this will be easy to figure out. I will let you know what develops.

Food was on track with calories for the day-1435 calories for the day. Instead of posting a picture of every single meal here ( I will be doing that on Facebook) , I am only going to post the new discoveries we have tried.

Lunch was a peanut butter waldorf spread on Arnolds Thin with celery, carrots, pudding and a 100 calorie pack. To make the spread for two people you need 1 T chopped carrots, 2 T chopped celery, 1 tsp raisins , chopped, 1 small apple chopped and 1 T peanut butter. Mix well and use as a spread. The spread comes to 30 calories per serving ( recipe makes 2) and is pretty tasty !

For dinner we tried Portabello pizzas with a tossed salad. Take a red pepper, an onion and the stems from 3 portabellos , chop and saute in a tsp olive oil. Then pile into the caps of 3 portabello mushrooms, top each with 1 T pizza sauce and 1/4 cup shredded mozzarella. Sprinkle with oregano and bake at 350 for 30 minutes. 139 calories each.

Let's make it a good day , gang !

Weigh in

It seems no matter what I do , my hormones are in charge, and there is absolutely no way to break the cycle.

Weigh in - UP 1.6

If I up exercise, I gain. If I lower calories, I gain. If my hormones are at the right point in the cycle I lose no matter what I eat, how much I move or anything else. If they are at the other end of the cycle I gain no matter how much I move, how little I eat or anything else. It has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with attitude, behaviors, chemical ingredients, genetically modified foods, good or bad fats. For me it is determined by three tiny little glands in my body that secrete chemicals powerful enough to pull the solar system out of orbit, and until two small almond shaped ones stop functioning ( my ovaries) there is nothing I can do about it.

Non scale victory

Pictures - left-son and hubby at the start
right- son today, 68 pounds lighter ( I thought it was more!)

A non scale sign of progress happened here yesterday. I went to put on one of my newer pairs of sweat pants ( yes I know, glamorous,
but I call them my everyday uniform)
only to discover that they have become clown pants on me. Sweats are big to begin with, but these suddenly fit me like a circus tent ! I guess this is proof that while the scale my not be moving at a pace I like, changes are happening in different ways. I am getting more toned I guess. This was a good thing in another way- I was noticing that son's clothes are begining to resemble circus clothes in the fit department
as well. One good thing about sweat pants is that they are pretty unisex, and I asked him if he would be interested in these now too big for me pants, and he said yes. Happily, they fit him perfectly !

These sweats are an XL, which means I can now start shopping for regular L or even medium now. But even more exciting is what this means for my son. When we began he was being crammed into a men's plus size 6x everything, and we were on the verge of it not fitting. His clothing had to be purchased from specialty stores, which as always a great hassle and expense. There was no shopping at places like Walmart or Thrift stores for his clothes. He would often comment on how he wanted different characters on his clothes but it was never to be. This was one thing that I felt very bad about- my son could never dress in the way he desired. I was a heavy kid myself, and I HATED being forced to shop in the plus sizes during grade school !In those days they were not plus sizes, but half sizes and very ugly. I hated the idea of my child being subject to the same fate, but at the same time too overwhelmed by other problems to
spring to action. That changed, slow progress has been made, and now my son has gone from a 6x to an XL. Life is good. On to the food !

Breakfast was a Thomase's Better Start with whipped cream cheese, sugar free orange marmalade and a Fiber One yogert with coffee-240 calories. After that we did our Wii work out and I decided to attempt a "stairmaster" workout with our actual hallway stairs. I managed to climb them once and my knee gave out. This may not be a good idea for me. I will try it again because if I can do it, it will sure roast the calories fast !

Lunch was turkey breast on Arnolds ( if you cut it different it looks different , and is a whole new lunch) with sliced carrot, celery , apple and Diet Soda for 290. What can I say- it's a turkey sandwich. After lunch , another Wii workout.

We finished school , and before I tackled my afternoon of printing for next week ( or as I call it being chained to the printer beast) I grabbed a snack of 1 cup nonfat plain yogert, 1/2 cup of pomegranate seeds, 1 tsp flax oil and Stevia. 200 calories. Mixing it was playing with food and appealed to my inner child , who wanted to spend the afternoon doing anything other than being chained to a printer !

When the hubs got home we headed out to do grocery shopping in the nasty cold rain, and came home to a dinner of a simple marinara sauce with ground turkey in the crock pot. Served over whole wheat pasta and sliced cucumber, tomatoes and mini sweet peppers with another diet soda for 470 calories
Dinner was late and there was a rush of activity of the necessary but uninteresting kind and finally the day was done and I grabbed my evening snack of an apple and a Fiber Plus bar for 200 calories. Days total calories was 1500 on the nose !

Tomorrow morning is weigh in again, and we shall see if that digital contraption arees with the non scale progress. Which is better, really ? To have a number that only you and your Doctor sees tell you your worth or more obvious things like clothing , feeling more energetic and fitting better in the world around you ? Personally, I hold equal stock in both !